Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
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I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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