My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
