I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
