When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
