I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
