On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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