I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
