What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
