...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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