fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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