I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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