yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
