first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
