We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
