My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
