Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
