You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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