Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
