The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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