I got chris browned last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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