Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
