I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You left your phone here
Wait...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
