oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
