I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
