Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
