When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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