im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
