I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
there is glitter all over my balls
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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