you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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