pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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