Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
