New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
