I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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