i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
