Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
