its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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