i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
