Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
