How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
