My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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