i just had sex bonerless
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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