when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
