im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
4 words: hood of his car
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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