I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
