I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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