that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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