WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
