Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
