My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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