I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
