Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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