There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
high people should be assigned attendants
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
