I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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