i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
