i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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