Well apparently he's into motor boating.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
