actually, I'm a sock model
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I supernannyed him into submission
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
