You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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